Wednesday, February 20, 2013

I'm uncomfortable with my body.

I know- this is totally silly.

I've just barely had a baby, only six weeks ago.  There are loads of pregnancy-related things (I won't go much further than that, just in case you've recently eaten...) still going on with my body.  My milk supply is still regulating at this point to feed my child.  My hormones are adjusting to my body walking around by itself again after almost a year of being intricately intertwined with another being.

I told myself that this time around, I'd be gentle with my body.

Well, for at least the first few months.

When little man was born, I didn't care what I looked like or how much weight I was still holding on to.  At that point, I was just trying to figure out what my child needed, how to fulfill those needs, and how to be a good mother to him.  I lost all the pregnancy weight plus ten pounds within a reasonable period of time.  To be honest, because I didn't really care and wasn't concerned about it, I can't remember now how long it took to be exact.  I know I had lost all the weight by somewhere between six months and a year.  

So, this time around, I didn't think I would care either.  But I do.

I don't know if it's the fact that I'm not obsessing over every little scrunched face little lady makes, trying to identify what it means or what she needs.  It could be because I am much more relaxed and that leaves me to worry about other non-important things like my body at this point.  Either way, there are some days where I just am massively uncomfortable with my body.

Which is kind of odd, because I tend to travel from one extreme of body image to the other in a short period of time.  

There are days where I feel absolutely wonderful about my body.  I carry my saggy mama pooch, angry looking stretch marks, and massively engorged milk factories around with such pride.  I am mother, hear me roar, right?  Those days, I feel so strong in what my body is capable of doing.  I produced life.  I am single-handedly feeding my child with only my spectacular body.  I am strong, yet soft.  Capable and willing to provide for every need my new daughter has.   

One of those days where I just felt GREAT about my body.
So, then- how is it possible that the next day I can feel so poorly about my body, my weight, and how I currently look?

I know some of it has to do with my clothes.  Trying to sandwich myself into super snug pre-pregnancy clothing makes me not only massively uncomfortable but also emotionally damaged.  Trying to yank up my super baggy maternity clothing all day long just doesn't work when you're running around with two children.  I went out and purchased a new pair of jeans recently, and having one pair of pants that actually fit and don't cut off my circulation or fall down constantly really did seem to help me feel a little better.

I also know some of it has to do with the fact that lately I've been back in my pajamas every day, with no make-up on and my hair barely even washed much less styled, especially after I'd done so well at keeping up taking care of myself a bit better since the Mommy Makeover Challenge a few months ago.  Once I get back into the swing of things in the morning and at least begin putting on a little mascara every day, I know I'll feel a bit better.  Lately, both babes have been waking up at almost the exact same time each morning, so it doesn't lend to a ton of time for myself to start the day.  I could wake up early to get gussied up, but- let's be honest- I have a one month old and a two year old, and that just isn't going to happen.

I'm trying to recognize that these feelings are a bit crazy and give myself those positive affirmations each day of what my body just did and is now accomplishing.  It's helping somewhat.

I just hope I start feeling a little more like myself soon- no matter what body I happen to be living in at that time.

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13 comments:

  1. I know where you're coming from and I think a lot of us go through the same things with our own bodies. You are strong and you are beautiful...and you look great!

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  2. I think you look awesome.
    Now with that said, I feel the same way. I gained 40 and lost 20 after having Skye, and people tell me I look great, but I just don't see it :( I know it's only been 8wks, but I will be re-joining W.Watchers on Friday. I refuse to buy a larger size of pant when I perfectly good pants at home LOL.

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  3. I hear you, I'm having one of those days too. Funny enough I also have a 6 week old! I'm going to go take my vitamins in case that is it, but I thought you might enjoy this... http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=520253494684848&set=a.322042667839266.75169.322009484509251&type=1&theater

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    1. Did you sneak into my computer and take that picture of me? ;)

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  4. Go easy on yourself! You look amaZing. with the capital Z. You'll get there, just know that there's no rush.

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  5. My postpartum-nothing-fits trick is to wear cute-ish exercise wear. I say "ish" because I'll never look like those chicks in the Athelta catalog but it's nicer stuff than the old ripped t-shirt I actually exercise in. It's my way of combining comfy but cute.

    Speaking of cute I think you look lovely as is!

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  6. You are such a beautiful woman, with a beautiful heart and - yes, a beautiful body as well. Be kind to yourself. Remember that lack of sleep plays into weight loss as well. And you know you always have a drill seargant in me!

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  7. Oh, I have just started reading your blog and this is exactly the same way I feel! I have a six month old daughter and just feel terrible some days when I look in the mirror. I just want to burst into tears because I feel terrible about thinking about it so much when I wouldn't trade giving birth for anything. I have a relatively thin frame so every bit of excess weight really stands out... do you find anything helps?
    BTW- I think you are simply gorgeous. :)

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  8. Thank you all so much for your kind words! @TheLilyQueen- I've recently started Weight Watchers and have been exercising quite a bit, and have lost a few pounds so far from the combination of the two. I have so much more to go, though!

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  9. After having my son, I started to think about body image differently than I expected before delivering. I think part of the reason most (if not all) mommas go through an adjustment period with their post-baby bodies is that becoming a mother (even if it's not for the first time), at least for me, felt like adjusting to being a whole new person. I wasn't just a woman anymore. I was a MOTHER. I'm 6 months post-baby now, and I'm still not entirely comfortable with my body. All my (still!) angry stretch marks, and my hips getting so much wider that I went 3 pant sizes up have been testing my ability to be comfortable in my own skin ;).

    But you look great, so take heart!!! Take it one day at a time, it's all you can do!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! I wear my stretch marks like battle wounds most days :), but sometimes it still gets me down. And you're right, the transition from woman to mother is so huge and life changing!

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