Wednesday, May 30, 2012

One more update

Today was the day of the specialist appointment at the Maternal Fetal Medicine Department at the hospital.  I was seen by an ultrasound tech, then the doctor and an ultrasound tech, and then just by the doctor.  I had to fill out a bunch of paperwork before I went, but since I had so much history of everything that went on, I ended up just writing out a hand written page of the dates I was seen and everything I had been told thus far, plus my blood levels and measurements from the ultrasounds.  

It calmed me down a little when I got there, because the tech that was seeing me today was the same one who had completed little man's nuchal translucency testing back in August of 2010, and I was able to tell her she was right when she told me he would be a boy at 13 weeks along.  She started with a abdominal, commented on my tilted uterus, and then proceeded to get the doctor and move to the vaginal ultrasound.  She didn't initially show me the baby, so I kind of flipped out a little, and started crying and asked if she could see the baby, at which point she immediately showed me and then gave me some kleenex.  

If I were less emotional still at that point (I think I'm getting some ultrasound anxiety- they are not fun anymore in that I'm always flipping out before I go in fear), the following situation would probably be funny to me.  The very Russian doctor came in at that point.  She asked me a few questions about my pregnancy so far based on all the information I had written out.  She also asked if I was still nursing and how many times, and seemed okay with the fact that it is often more than just the one time per day the other Ob recommended.  The doctor and the ultrasound tech then took turns probing me with the wand, muttering "Hmmmm" and "Grrrreat" (half in a typical Midwesterner dialect and half in a Russian accent) for about 5-10 minutes.  I'm pretty sure DH would have gotten a few laughs out of how odd/awkward that situation was if he would have been there as well.

While the tech continued to take pictures and data, the doctor came down and sat down by my other side and talked me through everything that has happened so far.  She said they can't be 100% sure what is going on until I actually deliver, and they can analyze the placenta to know for sure, but that she thinks it is probably a hemorrhage or a vanishing twin, although a hemorrhage looked more likely at this point.  She told me that she was sorry that I had been through so much already, but that at this point, she thought I could be calm in the fact that she was 99% sure that this would be a normal pregnancy from here on out.  The doctor also said that at this point, she would like to continue monitoring me, and wanted me back to complete the nuchal translucency for this baby to give them a further look in 2-3 weeks.  She said they would also want to be the ones who completed my anatomy scan at 20 weeks to more fully assess the baby at that time.  The doctor said that those would be the minimum ultrasounds they would do, that if they started thinking the area was growing, that they would monitor me more frequently, like every week or two, with more ultrasounds.

And yet again, at the end of the day, I am one lucky lady.  I am thankful to have this child growing inside of me, I am thankful that I got and have a second chance with this baby.  I know how tough it is for a lot of women to get pregnant, and for many more women to stay pregnant, and that is not lost on me.  However, from here on out, I am going to try to no longer think about what has happened, and try to just move forward and love this child without fear, without anxiety, without any sadness from what I've been through.  It is the best I can do for me, and the best I can do for the baby.  From here on out, I'll continue to update, but I've made a promise to myself to focus on the normal things, the happy things, the uncomfortable/typical aches/pains and changes to my body.  I am going to celebrate this pregnancy and this child all I can while I am still carrying them with me, because all too soon they become babies that become toddlers that become children, and I want to savor every moment I have without being afraid.


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