Tuesday, May 8, 2012

I guess I'll start here.

This is going to be a really long one, so hopefully you're sitting down and have your cup of coffee already.  I am probably going to divide this into several posts based on the fact that 1) I have an active toddler running around 2) I tend to be long-winded in nature anyway and 3) This is an extremely emotional post and I really want to fully give it the space it deserves.

I know people also may question why I choose to share this information, because it really is, SO early, even yet, to be talking about some of these situations, but right now, I am really trying to heal, and I know that for me, being honest and open with myself, my thoughts, my feelings, my hopes, my sadness, my fears, that this is part of the road to recovery for me.

Here we go,
Part 1.

DH and I have been very lucky in our lives.  We've been blessed with little man, who is a beautiful, amazing, perfect little boy who we just absolutely adore.  To us, there is nothing better in the world.  DH has always had the mindset of, 'Well, let's have one, and if that goes okay, we can try for another baby.'  I used to be all, 'Oh heck no, I'm not the type of person to have kids,' which in a few short years of growing up turned into, 'If I am lucky enough to have children, I'll take as many as I can get.  The love can only multiply.'

Initially, in even thinking about having a second child, the question of my nursing relationship with little man was our first and main barrier.  I am one of the few ladies that did not have a return of my cycles at all while nursing little man.  Most women would think about not having a cycle for years (my last period was actually in April of 2010, to be precise) and do a happy dance of joy.  I did too, in the beginning, until I realized that no cycle meant no more babies.  I referenced in an earlier post about nursing little man, where I talked about dropping down to only one time per day.  This was, mainly, to see if I could get my cycles to start again.

We dropped down to one time per day, which actually was really hard for me.  I know that this is a whole other topic, but I felt like I was putting my needs for another child over my first child's needs.  It was really hard for both of us, but in the long run, it worked out and I was able to get my cycles started again and pick back up nursing like we were before once I did.  Thankfully, with charting my temperatures again, dropping to one time only of nursing each day, taking herbal medicines that are supposed to help regulate fertility in women (not sure how much exactly this one helped, but I did it, so I'll add it), and taking ovulation prediction tests twice per day, we were able to catch the first post-partum ovulation.  My heart was overflowing with excitement and happiness for this baby when I had a positive pregnancy test on April 15th.  We were SO elated for this pregnancy and new baby to come.  Also, yippee!  No periods for this mama for a looooong time!

After finally convincing myself that I was actually, indeed pregnant, after peeing on about 8,348 sticks (okay maybe more like 25, but I used mostly these- they're cheap!), I made an appointment with my primary care physician (we'll just refer to him as PCP to make it easier).  I saw my PCP on Monday, April 23rd to complete a blood test to confirm the pregnancy and also to check in with him on a few other health concerns I had at the time.  The blood test was run and came back as positive as well.

This pregnancy, I had so many thoughts running through my head already.  Having little man is the best decision I have ever made in my life.  He is everything to me, and I am vastly different from who I was before I had him.  With his pregnancy, I enjoyed every single little moment of it.  Even the bad parts (I had a diagnosis of partial placenta previa and had bleeding throughout the late first trimester, which eventually resolved itself, but was scary during that time), I still tried to enjoy every moment of this being that I was creating.  I took pride in my role as his mother and really changed my habits to be the most healthy for him.  I watched the amount of chemicals I was putting on my body, went to prenatal yoga classes, decreased my stress level by leaps and bounds, etc.  This pregnancy, as with my last, I want this baby to stay inside and to stay growing as long as they need to, but it is different.  I know what that end result feeling is when they put that baby on your chest.  I know what it is like to hold this beautiful creature in your arms and just stare at them for hours.  I am so excited for that part that I feel like I am going to be much more impatient this time around.

I had also several thoughts about my first child, and how he would react, what we are currently doing for him and wondering if he will be beyond a few of those things when the new baby comes, like the fact that he still really loves to be spoon fed, or that he still just wants to be held some nights before he goes to sleep.  I worried, and worry, as I think every mother does, of how I can still give my everything to him, while giving my everything to our second child as well.  It will probably be an eye opener and a learning process for both of us.  Little man is a pretty easy baby, I will admit that freely.  He has been wonderful to parent.  He is  generally fairly easy going.  He sleeps REALLY well.  He is content to be worn or even just to sit in my lap and be held in many situations where I don't want him running around in public.  He freely hands out affection to me and DH, and the other people he loves.  There are certainly some things that he doesn't like, and he has a strong will and tells us when he doesn't like something, but I'm glad for that.  He knows what he wants, and isn't afraid to show that.  Pretty much like me.  :)  I think that having one child was the biggest adjustment for me.  A lot of people say that going from one to two is worse than going from zero children to one, but I might disagree.  I obviously am not there yet, but if I could guess, I would think for me that it might be a somewhat easier transition.  I am already 100% used to being selfless, where I really wasn't before and had to completely adjust when little man was born.  My needs come last right now, which is fine, but that is just how it is.  I make sure that my child and my husband are completely taken care of at all times, and if there is time left over, that is what I get.  With adding another baby to the mix, my guess is the 'me' time will decrease even further, as the 'taking care of someone else' time will increase even further, and I am okay with that.  I have babies to love them, to provide for them, to mold my life around them.  When they are bigger and I no longer have little bodies or little hands to hold, I can get back to me.  For now, it is about them.

I spent several days just thinking, about all those things that run through a mother-of-one's head.  Well, all of the good stuff at least.  I knew it would be a challenge, but I was up to it.

However, in the next few weeks, I'd certainly have my patience, my sanity, my strength, and just about every other aspect of my life challenged.  This was just the beginning.

1 comment:

  1. Congratulations Jayne - you'll know what to do, I am sure of it! XOX - Kayte


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